nzyra1221

“As you go there, you bring yourself with you. You go there to give light in their dark, barren world, you go to their lifeless, awfully destroyed place, and you give hope. Hats off to you. By standing before you now, I’m supposed to speak to inspire you, but it’s the other way around, YOU INSPIRE ME.” - Atty. Lizada.

As a volunteer, we aim to serve the humanity. As a RED CROSS Volunteer, we live by our principles, Humanity, Impartiality, Neutrality, Independence, Voluntary Service, Universality and Unity. We do not take sides, whenever we are needed, regardless of the age, race, gender and social status, without asking or expecting for anything in return. Others have traveled to the farthest mountain, few have crossed the ocean, and some have faced their own grave.

As a person, I look up to my co-volunteers, who chose to risk their lives, who opted to, and without a single iotic doubt, lived by the principle; “to serve humanity.” To every individual, who spent sleepless nights at the CHQ, and to those who conquered “Bopha.”

—-

I raised my concerns to those who have been deployed. I have seen them pack their personal necessities. Clothings, tools and equipments, and I asked, “Where are they going to sleep? Will there be enough food to eat, clean water to drink? Will they be safe?” I ASKED, THEY DID NOT, and that is FAITH.

Equipped with their knowledge and skills, they took the ride of our “MAMBA,” and the journey continues. They left to gratify the needs of those who are less fortunate, they left to render service. They left without definite number of days in the area, leaving behind their loved ones, TOUCHING THE LIVES OF THE STRANGERS.

I spent minutes, hours and days, waiting and praying for the whereabouts of my friends, of my co- volunteers, and someone said “negative response.” I know where they are, but I don’t know how they are doing. What we can only read on newspaper, see on television, hear over the radio, THEY HAVE EXPERIENCED IT.

After days, almost a week of exposure, they came back. Every single one of them. The look in their eyes, the touch of their hands, no word is enough to express the feeling of misery from the place that they’ve been too. They bear their scars as if it were medals from war.

Typhoon Pablo, hundreds of lives have been lost, millions and billions of properties have been destroyed, these are few among the many reasons why Philippine Red Cross Davao Chapter’s Swift Water Rescuers, Emergency Response Team, Rope Rescue Technicians, Emergency Medical Technicians, Disaster Response Team, Community Health Nurses, chose to respond.

And to quote Atty. Lizada (Secretary of the Board of Directors PRC-DC Chapter), “If one day, you find yourself feeling like giving up in life, remember that YOU HAVE ONCE BEEN THE STRENGTH for those who are weak, And that your rich experience will always be kept in your heart.”

With everything that I have, I thank God for keeping you safe and bringing you back. And from the canny nook of my whole being, you are my inspiration. You have touched my life in so many ways only God knows how. Indeed, you are the new heroes of today.

THANK YOU!

Im not happy, but I’m not sad either. I’m not catatonic nor hyped up. I make constant effort not to give a flat affect because I programmed my self to live in accordance to the norms of the society.

No one should cry in a public place, not that there’s a bill or a law for that but when you do, people will stare at you. Few will ask for the reason why but those who really care knows what it’s like.

Breaking down has become the easiest way to humiliate yourself in public. Thus, can be listed taboo. It won’t matter if your lover broke your heart, if your parents decided to disown you, or if the world has decided to swallow you whole. Stand up, walk out of the crowd, go home and cry.

Euphoria can also be misjudged because of the quote “people who laugh the most has the heaviest emotional load. It is, therefore, considered as overrated. So don’t laugh too much, they will give you those creepy stares leaving you with a frozen sense of idea that the world indeed has become a habitat of prejudice likes.

So take a look at your self from afar. If the place that you’re in is not helping you to be the person that you want to be. Leave, even if it means going out of your comfort zone. Leave, because it will transform you into a monster that you never wanted to be. Leave, because it will give you the chance to be one of them. And most of all, leave because you have to know that there can be a place where you don’t have to blend in especially if you know that you are capable of standing out.

As for me, the people I have met taught me how to decipher the thoughts of idle minds, they’ve given me the ability to comprehend with the mind of those who work night and day to prove the humanity that life is worth living.

The great art that I have seen, the troublesome literature that I have read, the fierce attitude that I have encountered, became the visible testament that life indeed is so hard but also very beautiful. So, don’t buy the fancy thought of my being too loud, I still take time to think.

Judge me, close your door on my face, it’ll hurt me but not as much as it will hurt you. Tonight, I will give the world what it wants from me.

The silent cry of the eerie dawn gave my mind incomprehensible thoughts, those that I wish my brain could automatically transcribe.

I have written about how people always leave and how I (thought) got over it. I’m sorry but I guess my idea of “change” has just changed.

That tiring cliche “everyhing happens for a reason” will not be reiterated if people could actually get it. I’m sorry but I think (whoever said it first) didn’t mean to imply “que sera sera” as somewhat synonymous.

Things happen for a reason because you have to learn and unless you refuse to do so, life will give you a hundred throwbacks until you get it.

Life’s definitely not something like goin to school. It’s not like it, because A) we don’t, we won’t, and we can’t stop learning and B) mistakes on our exams aren’t given back by the instructors till we get it right.

Anyway, here’s what I have learned for tonight. People always leave because a.) they have to, to give space for those who will teach you lessons that they can not teach, b) to make you realize, truly realize, that in this lifetime, you came out alone, you have to live alone and c) that it’s either they’re done with their purpose in your life or you’re done with your purpose in them.

Be wise in allowing people to get in to your life. Give yourself the assurance that you can grow while they’re around, and that you are capable of reciprocating the things that they can/will do for you.

Afterall, you get what you give. Leave a footprint, not a scar. It’s just wrong to hurt someone.

It’s been a while since I have longed to pour out my emotions through writing. I have yet again succeeded in hiding from the monster inside me..

12 days after the brand new year, and my tears are dried up. I’m out in broad daylight with that smile painted all over my face.

I have been holding on for so long for this emptiness inside me, trying to convince myself that it’s just a song or a poem waiting to be written but I guess ive thought it wrong.

That pain, no matter how hard i cry, it’s there, still there. I know i said im a damsel who loves her distress but this is too much and im ready to let it go.

And just when im about to set it free, it refused to let go of me. I have buried it deeper and now it consumed the whole of what’s left in me.

All these time, ive been telling my friends that “you cant get over pain, you cant let it go, you can only get used to it..” maybe im right, maybe im not. I got used to it but i can still smell it from within, like a rose i have longed to taste it’s odor. It lingers in me like a warm embrace of sweet serenity.

I have nourished it well enough. And now it’s all over me. Feeding my very soul with melodies that
only memories can fathom. It stings, leaving scars that are only visible to me.

Im capable of truly living a happy life by day, but when dusks breaks, i leave all the smiles and give way to the heavy sighs. I have gotten used to it and realized that im running in circles getting hold of the heavy luggage.

One day. Just one day of love, felicity and sense of genuine freedom. Give me that, it might be what ive always needed. I wouldnt really know cuz i have intentionally deprived myself from that.

Everything happens for a reason, people always leave, we cant be sad for all the days of our lives. Ive heard those, i e said those. Now, prove me that it’s actually true. That it’s not a fantasy that i have created.

I have said it before and I’ll say it again, “for a single woman, I feel so loved.”

All these time I have felt so lost in the wilderness of my well created maze. I have secluded my self away from the things that could bring me genuine felicity. I have managed to nurture my barren soul with thoughts that consumed me entirely.

I blamed my traumatic childhood experiences. I blamed the overachievers, blamed those who effortlessly lived a justified life. I took in the fact that life will never be fair.

And as I grew up, I realized that it’s true. Not everyone’s blessed with riches and fame but each one of us were given a unique gift to survive a lifetime. And if you’re lucky enough to recognize this gift, maybe then you’ll be able nourish it and turn it into something more.

For most days of my life, I have failed to recognize my gift because since I was a child, I have focused on what I thought was a curse.

‘Till lately I realized that my good life has become a testimony for others. The strength to endure all the pain that I have gone through gave me friends that I will never give up even if it means putting my life on the line.

Over time, I have won some and lost some. I have learned to treasure those who have always been there for me and those who needed me and learned from my past. “You are the sum of the people that you meet,” they said. And I believe that.

I owe to those friends who shared their heartaches in love and life the lessons and actions that I should’nt have taken, in which I stubbornly took anyway for the love of experience.

I owe to those friends who have been there for me at all times. To those who listened to my bitterness and understood my lust for life. To those who never failed to understand the unspoken words of hatred and to those who wiped away my deluge of fear for the unknown.

I owe them people who shared a bottle or two, a pint, a glass of happiness. Over night we have shared stories witnessed by the sober moon and spoken by our drunken past. We made it through the dawn, bruised soul yet completely whole.

To every stranger who looked at me, those who gave me cold stares because of the cigar on my hand, and those who never ceased to express their forbidden hots for me (ahem!). I owe them the courage to walk down the street without giving a sense of doubt that I can make it to the end.

To everyone, who’s been a part of my rollercoaster ride of loneliness and happiness. The never ending drama of my life that surely has been worth living. With all my heart, I express my deepest gratitude for you have made me realize my gift of STRENGTH.

My wealthy experiences have given me enough troubles. I stumbled and bruised every part of me and the world stood still, waiting for me to show what I really got.

So, yes, I have the courage for I am blessed with wonderful people. And for that, I thank the Lord. I have more than enough.

Everytime I question my self worth, there’s this quote that pops into my mind, “Once you lose yourself, you have two choices, find the person you used to be or lose that person completely.” I have had my series of misfortunes, so yeah, I’ve already abused that quote.

Not so far from yesterday, I have decided to let people feel that they are loved, cared for and treasured even if it means putting my well being on the line but I’ve had enough of everything. My well’s dried up, now it’s depth is discernible. I am empty, I guess I’ve given up so much and I don’t have pretty much left for my self. I can no longer fight it, I can no longer give the façade.

Anger, disappointments, frustrations, pain, I will be taking those with me. Fits perfectly on my luggage, eh? I remember a friend telling me, “never leave with a heavy heart,” so, it took me a little while to figure things out. I just let those days pass me by, never really found in my heart the sense of forgiveness. I have waited long enough, but clemency failed to knock at my door.

Sure, a friend once said, “I envy that you’re so carefree.” Maybe because I’m left with no choice but to grab each possibility of happiness. The way I see it, hatred is easy, pain is always there, sadness is overrated, but forgiveness, that’s a tough one.

Sorry, I’m a cracked egg but you know what they said, “everyone’s normal until you get to know them.” So this is me, right here. A little broken but still standing. And before someone else can pull another stunt of crashing me down, let me go somewhere far, maybe the salty sea can wash my wounds, maybe the cold December breeze will slap my face and make me realize that “I haven’t really started yet,” and maybe, my burning desire to move on and give life another chance will send me to the place where I truly belong. So between finding the person that I used to be or losing it completely, I guess I’m stuck in the long bridge.

But I’m moving on, I have to move on. Who knows, maybe next year I’m still going to be the woo-girl (a party girl who shouts in the club. The louder the woo, the deeper the wound), may still be that solitude-sucker girl in a coffee shop (who’s desperately trying to write something), or that lass who smiles even with a heavy heart, and, or, maybe, finally, I will find bliss that I have unconsciously deprived from myself.

I’m going to end this year and leave the heavy luggage to where I’m going. When I get back, I’ll have a lighter load, ready to be filled for the coming days. For now, let me do, as what my friend  said, “Don’t plan ahead.”

“I only have few months to live, it’s probably the reason why I keep the pace of being nice to everyone even if they’ve tried to ruin the best in me. Pain? It’s a cliché. I will live everyday as if the sun will no longer set, like I’m counting every breathe that I take.” ——  For a while, I had those in my thoughts but not only it is melodramatic but it is also morbid.

I keep on telling my self that, sadness is overrated, I’ve heard my friends saying that “happiness is a choice.” and it took me a while to get the concept of that choice. So, I went on living each day, trying to get through it without falling apart. Until the “getting through” becomes a habit.

I wake up, breathing in and out and convincing my self that at one point, life will surprise me with genuine bliss but then I again I go back to sleep and found the deluge of felicity in my dreams. I stay there for a while because reality is a little too hard to deal, fiery, might I add.

Sadness, it’s overdue. It has stayed long in my living room, I can not let it sit any longer there. I literally shoved it out of my system, shut my door and blocked it with everything. I found the inner me in solitude, in the luxury of being alone.

People talk, they change, they will try to hurt me but I have learned to not let them get close enough to hurt me. They have the gun but I managed to control them from pulling the trigger. How? I trained my self to witness things without minding them, I have learned to lend an ear without listening and I held out my hand for help without letting an iotic cell in my body to feel.

Is it bad? Maybe, but building the wall is easier than healing a wound. Okay, that didn’t sound right, coming from a nurse. But hey, let’s face it, I just learned to let it all pass me by. Even music failed to get through my soul. My words are enough to save my pillows from tearstain. I guess it isn’t so bad after all.

I have laid all my cards before, it’s all that I’ve got. If it wasn’t enough for those whom I cared the most, then I guess, I never should’ve been a part of their lives in the first place. Someone else will be more willing to read what I write, someone else would want to listen to what I have to say and most of all, someone else would understand my silence.

“I stopped living.” I kept on asking my self why, but the reason behind is beyond my grasp, I have tried so hard to pull my self together but whenever I feel like being alone, that piercing pain in my chest, that pain that makes me not want to breathe, starts to resurface again.

I have always said that I’ve already gone through enough troubles in life, that anything that may come will be just a piece of cake, and I have heard my self saying, “sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of my life that I expect it to always be there” so I guess this thing that I’m feeling right now is an epitome, the beauty of a heartache.

And no matter how loud my heart’s cry is, the world will never know, they will not even bother to care because we are all carrying our own cross, and the fact that the only thing that makes our problem big is the fact that they are our problem.

When the only excitement is going home, locking my self in my room, lie on my bed and pour out from my heart the heaviness that I have carried all day long. When the next best thing to do is stare at the four walls, hoping that someone will come to comfort me, give me a hug and say that everything’s going to be okay, that this too shall pass, but the worst part is realizing that no one will come. So I have to stay strong even if I’m tired. Tired from everything, tired from nothing. I have to be strong for my self even if it means having to give a façade.

But now is not the time to give up, I have to keep going, to know how the story will end, to know if it’s worth it in the end, to fight the battle that is yet to come. My hands are weary, my eyes are swollen, that I even have to fight my own tears from falling. Do I have a choice, no! All I have is the pinch of hope that while I’m dancing in the rain, a rainbow will come thereafter.

I will not cut the tie, I will keep on holding on because I once said that life is a beautiful thing, and we can always find bliss even on the ugliest days of our lives. I will live each day even if waking up means living another life in turmoil, I will wake up not looking forward for anything, I will dress up for no one, put my make up on and try to feel good, it’s not pretending, it’s a part of “getting used to” it.

Because this is the real world, bad things happen, people will come and even if they’d tell you that they will be around always, eventually, they’ll leave and you have to be okay with that. The world is not the safest place to live, so guard your heart, it’s more fragile than you think but also, you have to remember that someday, your heart will be your worst enemy.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is, go on, live your life, leave if you have to, laugh to hide your fears and tears, no one would ever really know. This life, it’s one and the same, so go on, do something, do not test the water, make a wave. When the sun sets, sure will the sun rise!